Well, over the course of the last week I have read Tina Fey’s Prayer for her daughter on I would say half a dozen Facebook Pages. And with every post I read it and smiled, and re-read it and smiled. Some of my smiling was, well, out of relatable fears, and others, were, well, that smile when you think , she is so right, but I did that, so how can I guide them otherwise.
It also prompted me to think of my own prayer for my own daughter and son. And not that I think I can, or want to one-up the deeply talented, hilarious and magnificent Tina Fey, but hey, it’s worth a try right? Or at the very least, it’s an honor to be in her company of thought processes.
Lord….I know you have a full plate. And I know I am years ahead of myself with some of these, however, if you can, make the tiniest bit of room for my humble requests, well, I would be eternally grateful, and only ask you to help me win the lottery monthly, as opposed to weekly…..deal?? (more after the jump)
So Tina, I hear you, I salute you and may all our prayers be answered!
TINA FEY: “First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.”
USM: Lord, as far as tattoos. What can I say. I have one. And yes, it’s a Chinese symbol above my ass crack. And no,inking in the symbol for tranquility (god I hope that is what it really says) did NOT make me more tranquil. And it has had me endure many a comment involving the phrasing of “tramp stamp” and bullseye. I get it, I get it. And Lord, although it has given me the strength to ignore the comments and teasing, please let my daughter NOT have the gene that I call “the curiousity killed the cat” gene. Newsflash, YES, getting a tattoo hurts. And it’s permanent. Don’t believe the laser hype.
TINA FEY: “When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half
And stick with Beer.”
USM: Well, what can we say about saying no to drugs? We all know they more than likely won’t pass on grass. And realistically, by the time they are older it may even be legal. But yes, my dear sweet innocent children who call lollipops, yellipops, and think that Elmo is the most hilarious person they “know”; stick with beer. And when you are hugging the porcelain god from too many beers, remember the joy of juice boxes and sippy cups, how they never get you sick and never forget how those dry heaves feel.
TINA FEY: “Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.”
USM: Lord, they don’t have to go to Harvard or Yale, but please let them find an interest and a passion for something they love. Like really love and believe in. Let them feel a fire in their belly to aim and strive and achieve their highest goals. And let that something they love afford them to move out of the house and down the road, have a guest room to let us move into when we need our diapers changed. Happiness is key, and of course the most important, but it wouldn’t be frowned on to afford mamma a beach house.
TINA FEY: “And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.”
USM: Amen, and I will throw in a Hallelujah!
TINA FEY: “O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.”
USM: Lord, if you can’t actually break the internet, please at least allow for some sort of parent controls that work, and make text messaging and BBM-ing go away. Our kids always need to actually hear the tone of our voice and not assume via messaging. Plus, is there an emoticon that really can express PO’d?? Doubtful. They must hear, believe and fear the anger in their bones….not via a frown made out of a semi-colon.
TINA FEY: “And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.”
USM: And may that delayed gratitude stay with them Lord, with each and every diaper changed, tantrum thrown, spaghetti sauce mess on the floor, broken vase, cell phone in the toilet, wall drawn on and all niter in their future.
Happy Easter & Passover Everyone! May the Lord hear & answer our prayers….or at least have the decency to guide us in the right direction to pick winning lottery numbers. Amen.